The Doctrine of the Trinity
by the silence in between
Summary: She cannot change who she is, this Aud-Anyanka-Anya girl-turned-monster.  It's entrenched in the very essence of her soul.  Anya during "Selfless", philosophizing and understanding.


**Disclaimer** — _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ is property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and The WB/UPN. Lines of dialogue are taken from "Selfless", written by Drew Goddard. I make no profit from this exercise in creativity; please don't sue.

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The girl's cry for vengeance is overwhelming, so powerful that it teleports her directly to the frat house, bypassing the required flight plan filings and other bureaucratic red tape. She materializes quietly in a corner, unnoticed by the sobbing girl and the gang of a dozen boys laughing in her face.

"Just once, I wish you could all feel what it's like to have your hearts ripped out!" the girl screams, and in the split-second that follows, Anya makes a deliberate decision. She _could _just curse them to feel unbearable, heart-wrenching pain for the rest of their lives, but Halfrek's accusations (_Miss Soft-Serve!_) ring in her ears, and damn it, she's _Anyanka _again, not this weak, soft Anya-creature!

She summons the grimslaw demon. There's panic, and confusion; then, screaming. And _screaming_. Blood — so much blood, everywhere. Then silence. Emptiness.

It's not until she's back in her apartment, freshly showered and changed into clothes that aren't stained with blood, that she can bring herself to look in the mirror. There are so many thoughts and emotions running through her head, all jumbled and tangled together, and as she stares at her reflection she can barely recognize the girl looking back at her. Who is she? Is she Anyanka? Anya? Or is she the original girl, the one who should have died more than a millennium ago?

She's told herself for so long now that Anya and Anyanka and Aud are separate entities, linked only by memories, not by desire and _never_ by guilt. But she looks in the mirror and sees all three women peering back at her at once, and she realizes that it's because they're all the _same_ girl. They're the same _soul_.

It's a little-known fact that vengeance demons are one of the few demon species to possess souls. They're not vampires, after all, not demons that possess their victims' empty corpses. Aud made a choice to become a vengeance demon, and Aud-Anyanka, in full possession of her soul, made the choice to murder, to bruise and tarnish that once-sparkling soul. A thousand years later, Aud-Anyanka-Anya made the same choice, decided to go back to that same destructive lifestyle. She made the decision, twice, to take men's lives because she didn't know what to do with her own, not without Olaf or Xander by her side.

During those long, bloody centuries she'd forgotten all about her soul, but she can feel it inside of her now, eating away at her slowly. She remembers Spike, cowering and crying while spewing forth tormented nonsense, and she remembers the beautiful, brilliant shimmer in his eyes: his soul, unencumbered by the demon's atrocities. She searches her reflection, stares deep into her own eyes, but she sees nothing but muddy, murky darkness.

How many men has she killed? How many lives has she stolen away? A hundred thousand? A million? Xander told her all about Angel once, about how he could remember every single person he had ever killed. She can remember her most creative punishments, the most gruesome deaths, but these only add up to a few hundred. What about the rest? She'd told herself that they'd all deserved it, but did insensitivity and adultery really warrant death? And what about all of the girls who had made imprudent wishes and found themselves caught in the crossfire? Weren't _they_ the ones that she was supposed to be helping?

For the second time in twenty-four hours, she feels herself drawn to the frat house. The scent of blood once sang to her, made her feel heady and alive, but now its stench fills her nostrils and turns her stomach. The boys had cruelly teased and tormented their fellow student, but was _this _really what they deserved?

Xander's voice rings out from behind her, and when she turns around the first thing she notices is his soul. It positively radiates from his being, his eyes sparkling with purity, with love for her. Shame fills her as she realizes that she was never good enough for him; he'd always deserved someone better, someone whose soul hadn't been damned for longer than his young mind could comprehend. She wonders how she could have ever allowed herself to plan a happy future with him when her supernaturally long life, when the very possibility of their relationship, had been bought with others' stolen futures.

He still tries to convince her to seek redemption and avoid a confrontation with Buffy, because after all he is terribly young and innocent. "I have a job to do; Buffy has hers," she reminds him coldly, wishing that his love for her weren't on such blatant display. "She knew sooner or later it would come to this." And despite all of the theories and philosophy, she thinks that she, too, has always known that it would have to come to this one day. The murders of millions cannot be erased by three years of good deeds; she cannot change who she is, this Aud-Anyanka-Anya girl-turned-monster. It's entrenched in the very essence of her soul.

Buffy arrives, and they battle. Once she takes the sword in her possession, Anya — because _Anya_, and Anya alone, is who she wants so badly to be — knows that she is stronger and faster than Buffy. She could be the person to end the Slayer's life once and for all.

She sees the footstool sliding toward her, but she doesn't jump; she stumbles, and then she's sprawled on the floor. Buffy towers over her, the sword lifted high above her blonde head, and she doesn't move. She truly understands, for the first time, that this is how it's supposed to be.

So she doesn't fight back. She waits for the sword to fall, for what she deserves.


End file.
